I Have “Black Panties” On This Morning


Happy Saturday, to all my Kept Followers. Okay, so I’m not an album critic. Never have been and never will be but a fan sent me the album some weeks ago and I must say, I like it… a lot. I had to review it since the album is almost exclusively about, well…pussy!

No one has sung as prolifically about pussy as the man whose debut album sports a nearly seven minute long song called “I Like the Crotch On You”, and perhaps no one will in our lifetimes. On the one hand, Kells reinforces his identity here: for him, comparing pussy to a cookie (on, well, “Cookie”) an entire song in which he sings about “lick[ing] the middle like an Oreo.” This is the power of R. Kelly: it will be impossible to eat an Oreo for a while without thinking of eating out “the box”. He has fundamentally altered your existence. Wait, No! I’m responsible for fundamentally altering your existence!


There is also something undeniably great about a song like “Marry the Pussy,” in which Kelly gives the song’s subject an entire persona: “Pussy talk to me/Pussy sing to me/ Yeah, so much joy it bring to me.” It is not ridiculous that he wants to marry a pussy—that level of carnality exists somewhere in all of us, male or female. His brilliance is in routinely bringing out into the open the things that stay in the darkest corners of our minds.


With Black Panties, what you see is mostly what you get. After all, can’t you see the freakiness in the album covers! He goes from Phantom of the Opera-ish to Silence of the Lambs-ish to Black Orgy Gone Wild-ish!

Here take a look at the tracklisting for the Black Orgy Gone Wild-ish album cover (listed directly above):

1. “Legs Shakin’” f. Ludacris

2. “Cookie”

3. “Throw This Money On You”

4. “Interlude”

5. “Marry The Pussy”

6. “You Deserve Better”

7. “Genius”

8. “All The Way” f. Kelly Rowland

9. “My Story” f. 2 Chainz

10. “Right Back”

11. “Spend That” f. Young Jeezy

12. “Crazy Sex”

13. “Shut Up”

One things for sure, The Pied Piper of R&B finds himself head over heels in love with pussy, yet he refuses to settle down. Or maybe, that is precisely why he won’t. The Kept BBW doesn’t care how freaky Kelly gets or whether he settles down with one pussy or 20 pussies; as long as it’s consensual sex and it’s not with a minor!


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